first of all thank you rob for posting the halloween pictures. they will go down in history as being pictures of the year we all painted our faces. second it is true that i need to do my grad school things, so thank you for the little "hey-ho." i have tomorrow and saturday off with hardly any plans, except maybe getting a haircut and a safe deposit box. can't have one without the other. the bottom line is i should be able to request transcripts and GRE scores and finally get back to a professor about her recommendation and actually dig into applications.

i started making a playlist for an imaginary lover (with the title of my entry being "i want a real one"), but then i went through my ENTIRE iTUNES to pick out songs and ended up with a pretty hefty list. i think i'll post it anyway just because i'm feeling uninspired, despite my bacardi/raspberry sorbet/tropicana mixture that i'm drinking out of a bowl. i also watched stardust tonight, hence my facebook status. the movie's kind of lovely despite some under-par effects...the tiny elephants with wing ears that tristan's dad sees while walking through stronghold early on ruined everything.

i am very frustrated with myself and when i am frustrated with myself i tend to try to soothe the hurt (playing piano, drinking, playing piano and drinking, smoking cloves, smoking cigarettes, smoking the meager weed i still have, shopping for clothes and makeup and CDs). all of that's not so good. nope nope nope. except for the piano part. i simply need to not be angry at far away people who i wish were thinking about me but aren't. i also need to stop beating myself up about the life i have right now and that i haven't jumped up to do community service or be in a choir or take german classes or whatever else people with gumption do. and now i've really lost my wind because dr. robertson said almost flat out that my writing samples won't be graduate school application quality.

i have hardly been wearing necklaces lately because i'm sick of all the ones i own. that's strange for me, because i usually wear at least one noticeable necklace everyday. i also hate all of my bras because they skootch around or show even if the neckline for a shirt isn't that low. i'm pissed that my face is itchy all day long so i can't stop touching my nose or my eyes or scratching/fixing something above my neck. this rubs my makeup off so i end up looking a little haggard and completely washed out by 1pm.

list of movies i've been in the mood for:

darjeeling limited
perfume
speedracer
romeo + juliet
atonement
matrix reloaded


i liked the way somebody's deodorant smelled so much, i went out and bought it. extreme something or other by degree...for MEN. yeah, that's right -- i smell like a dude. but it's better than any of the lame chick deodorants out there right now, i can assure you of that. we'll see how long it takes before i give up on it.

i realized recently that i've never had sex with someone who's my boyfriend. that realization makes me kind of lonely. so i decided to compile songs (after revisiting mixed CDs from boyfriends past), despite how embarrassing my selections are. as i've mentioned before, i feel silly when i show how i really feel and get girly-sentimental. but i'd like to be able to share that crap with someone else rather than smother it.

songs to be included:

"come what may" and "your song" from moulin rouge
"tonight (balcony scene)" from west side story
"closer" by nine inch nails
"bad things" by jace everett
"adagio for strings" by samuel barber
"us" or "i want to sing" by regina spektor
"tower of learning" or "vibrate" by rufus wainwright
"that's all i've got to say/now that i'm a woman" from the last unicorn
"falling for the first time" by barenaked ladies
"why don't we do it in the road?" and "i will" by the beatles
"and so it goes" by billy joel
"who is it?" by björk
"going to the chapel" by the chiffons
"so this is love" from cinderella
"your love means everything pt. 2" by faultline feat. chris martin
"the scientist" by coldplay
"dreams" by the cranberries
"the blowers daughter" by damien rice
"the ice dance" by danny elfman from edward scissorhands
"liz on top of the world" from pride & prejudice
"hands down" by dashboard confessional
"grey blue eyes" and "lover lay down" by dave matthews band
"claire de lune" by claude debussy
"kissing you" from romeo + juliet
"playing love" and "the crisis" from legend of 1900
"#1 crush" by garbage from romeo + juliet
"you were meant for me" from singin' in the rain
"such great heights" by iron & wine or postal service
"goodbye until tomorrow" from the last five years
"grotte stephane stephanie" from science of sleep
"op. 116, no. 4 (for clara schumann)" by johannes brahms
"another day" from rent
"a case of you" by joni mitchell
"this is heaven to me" by madeleine peyroux
"stockholm syndrome" and "supermassive black hole" by muse
"i think i love you" by the partridge family
"fever" by peggy lee
"thinking about you" by radiohead
"people will say we're in love" from oklahoma
"the animal song" by savage garden
"variation xviii from rhapsody on a theme of paganini" by sergei rachmaninov
"origin of love" from hedwig and the angry inch
"head over heels" by tears for fears
"leather" by tori amos
"wild horses" by upenn off the beat
"ELT" by wilco
amelie soundtrack
a few things by thomas newman
something by nickel creek or smashing pumpkins?

wow. that's probably three CDs right there, which means some epic listening would occur on the part of my pretend man. at this rate, i should get some chocolates or a tub of ice cream, a box of tissues, a cat, and my copy of gone with the wind and call it a night. shit, son.